Dear Mom,

I've been putting it off for a while, but tonight I did it. I had a very big day today, and we were driving home. I was the passenger for a change. I felt myself starting to doze off, and the letter began to just form in my head. Perhaps it was rude to exclude myself from others and start writing, but there was a pretty good program on the radio that everyone seemed to be tuned into, and my conversation wasn't missed. I find that when things like that start writing themselves, you don't pass it up. 

It was really hard to write, and I've been putting it off for months. It's like writing your own obituary, only much worse. How do you write a letter to your mother explaining this. There really is nothing one could say that would make it better. Especially since her obtaining the letter would be a result of something awful happening to me. I hope with what I wrote though, it would give her an understanding of why I do it, and that it's not a shallow thing that I'm doing. 

I thought about posting the letter here, or even telling you what I wrote. I thought it would make for a good read. Heart wrenching and honest. But it's none of your business. I say that will all the love I have, not all things need to be made public. This is between her and I, and is not to ben sensationalised. I want to write the letter out by hand and put it in an envelope on the back of my bedroom door. She will find it when the time comes.

I hope that if something did happen to me she would be able to forgive me for the shame I brought to my family. Even if she could understand, I don't know if the rest of the family could. "Did you hear she was a..."