Compassion

In doing my research for writing up my promotional material like my internet ad and what-not, I’ve realized I really need to step my game up in terms of thinking of what I’m doing as more of a business instead of a facilitator of my entertainment/travel. I really don’t take it that seriously or think of it as a job because I really don’t have a boss. I don’t have someone giving me feed back or reporting on my performance, or all the typical things you relate to a job. There’s no schedule. Yes, I do get paid, and yes I do have clients. I do gauge my performance by my call-backs, and by the feedback that they give me, but at the same time I really don’t take their feedback seriously because they’re satisfied. They came, they had their orgasm, they had their happy moment, they’ll say whatever they think you want to hear. Like I say, it’s such a weird job, it’s hard to take seriously.

A little while ago, I had a client. When I talked to him in the initial phone call, he was… I wouldn’t say nervous, maybe shy. My heart goes out to shy people because it’s so difficult to do something like this because they are shy. To call someone and ask for sex, it’s hard to do. I would want to call a male escort and I’m too shy to do it. So this guy; I had compassion for. We were talking and he wanted to set up an appointment for the next day. It’s not that I won’t do that, it’s just that I hate doing it. Say I book an appointment for tomorrow at 8pm, then that means, the agency won’t book me an hour or an hour and a half before that. They’ll pass the calls that could go to me to somebody else because I have this appointment. Then people chicken out. Whereas I wouldn’t have appointments before, and then they chicken out, I’ve lost three or more potential hours of business. That’s frustrating. So like I say, if I can avoid it, I won’t take appointment calls. As I said though, I had compassion for this guy and he wanted to book for the next day. He was flexible, and able to work around my schedule, so it worked. He asked me, “You don’t mind older men do you?” I told him not at all. “Oh, good. Cause I’m Forty…” Forty something, I forget what he said. When I was younger, I dated someone 19 years older than me, so trust me, I have no qualms with older men. I told him that I was sure that we would get along just fine. 

Another thing that would have prevented me from taking this call was he was staying at the sister property of the hotel which I use to work at. From fear of being recognized, I have never taken calls at these hotels. I only knew a few people at this specific property, so I took a risk. The next day, things went well. I confirmed, and he confirmed, so everything was good. When I pulled up to the hotel, sure enough they were having this big bbq out in the parking lot where all the chefs from all the hotels were there. “Fuck!” I think. I just kept my head down and hustled in. I don’t think anyone saw me, which was good. Of course though; You’re trying to avoid something, and there it is in big flashing lights.

But really? What’s the big deal? So I’m walking into a hotel. It’s not like I’ve got thigh high boots on, with my ass sticking out. I dress professionally. What I wear to my calls, I would wear to a job interview. A knee length skirt, a tight skirt, like a pencil skirt, and a blouse or shirt with a loose collar. It’s not anything too scandalous. Sometimes I’ll wear stockings with the line up the back of the leg, but that’s about as risqué as I’ll go. It’s not uncommon that I will stop off at my moms afterwards a call if it’s in her neighbourhood. What I wear is no big deal. Ha ha, I’m no floozy!

So I knock on the guys door, and he opens, and he’s just this really clean cut guy. And he was a gentleman. He made himself sound like a troll. We hung out on the couch and we talked about my job a lot. It’s funny because when I started working, I think people may have known that I was new, which makes me laugh a little. They didn’t ask if I was new, but they would ask a lot of questions about my job, like why do I do it, or how long I’ve been in the business for. Questions like, what’s it like, and things like that. Lately people haven’t been asking those questions, and I’m not sure why. We talked a lot about it though. He really wanted to emphasise how much respect he had for me, and for the girls in my profession which was nice. It was considerate of him. He wanted me to stay for an hour and a half, and so I didn’t charge him for the half hour rate, I charged him for the hour rate, and then half of the hour rate. So I gave him a deal. Normally the half hour rate is 2/3 the hour rate. I think I gave him GFE as well. Like I say, when I was thinking of stepping up my game, and he phoned, I thought to myself, I’m going to use my new customer… Well I guess it’s my old customer service strategies. When I worked at the hotel or the restaurant industry, if a client was a great person, I would up grade them, or give them extra food, or whatever I could do. You return the favour of kindness. Or you should. In all industries. So I did. And I have no problems with that. I appreciate their kindness so why not.

Afterwards, we continued to hang out and talk to the point where I wondered if the girl at the agency forgot my time call. I really felt like I was there for two hours. We were talking and he really opened up to me. Like really opened up. He was talking about his kids. He is divorced, and he has three boys, and he started telling me about his middle child. What got us started on this was we started talking about summer festivities, then we started talking about drugs, then we started talking about his kids. His kids are in their early 20’s and they like to party. He was telling me about how he would always be their DD if they needed. If ever they got stuck, call him. That was kind of his philosophy. Don’t ever, ever, ever drink and drive. At one point he joked that he got such a reputation, that one of his kids friends phoned, and he asked, “Where’s my son?” and the friend said, “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him tonight, but we were hoping you could give us a ride home” So he went. He was that guy. I think that’s so important for teenagers to have in their life. I bet if one of these kids had a problem, that they were scared to go to their own parents about, they would be able to go to him. He’s that guy that you wish you had as a father. (and by you I mean the general population, I wouldn’t trade my father for anything) He was telling me about his middle son. His middle son was just the nicest guy. He would find the good in anybody. He was telling me about his sons struggle with drugs and alcohol. He knew that his boys smoked weed. He said that it was kind of the household joke, that if their weed went missing, everyone knew that it was him who stole it, but no one ever talked about it. I think that’s funny. But this is coming from a girl who smokes up with her dad from time to time. Then he told me, that his middle son (and he didn’t say that he was his favourite son, but it was quite clear by the way he talked about him) that he died in a car accident because he was driving drunk. It’s the way that he opened up to me, it was kind of powerful.

Not everyone is cool with my job. I don’t kid myself. I was talking to a friend the other day, Kelly. Kelly and I are very good friends and we’ve been friends for a while. But her own values causes her to struggle with what I do. She tells me that she doesn’t take what I do and have it reflect her judgements on me, but she has a hard time being able to relate to it. Like if we didn’t already have the relationship we do have, and I told her what I did, she wouldn’t give me the time of day. That’s her views. Back in January, you may notice I didn’t post a lot of blogs. And the ones I did post were not overwhelming with joy. Back in January I went through a lot of struggles. I was outted by some friends, I was in a car accident, a lot of bad things happened in January, one right after another, and all with in a couple weeks. I struggled a lot. She told me a couple months later, she felt that that all happened because I sold my soul. That’s a really awful thing to say. But I took it as a religious person telling a gay person they’re going to hell. “Yeah, yeah, ok, whatever” I really didn’t personalize it. I don’t think she thinks I’m a soulless person. That’s why we’re still friends. I know she didn’t mean it as a personal judgment, she just has her own views of right and wrong. 

My point is, I really don’t think she understands how much compassion I bring to my job. I really don’t think what I do is a bad thing. It’s just such an overlooked need. Love. And I’m not saying I love my clients, but I give them way more than just physicality. I give them compassion, and I give them someone to hold, and I give them my time. Sometimes I feel like I validate them. Some guys, you know don’t think very highly of themselves. They’re like, “blah blah blah, do you think I’m hot, blah blah blah” I hate blowing smoke up peoples ass. That’s not my gig. I don’t inflate egos. But I tell them that I think they’re a really good person. Based on how they’ve treated me, and based on how they are, I tell them that it’s clear that they’re respectful, and gentle and they’re a good man. Some people just really need to hear that, because they don’t believe it themselves. I also think that the message carries more weight given the intimacy of our situation. I’m really just grateful for this job that I’m able to help people like that. People are just lonely. Everybody deserves to have some love some time. Even if it’s not a relationship, or if they can’t have a relationship because of their own fucked up emotional issues, that doesn’t make them unworthy.

So. Back to that client that I had and my new business strategy of just being generous, he definitely gave me a $150 tip. It was surprising. I don’t want to say that I didn’t earn it, but I don’t get a lot of tips in my job. The girls at the agency talk about some girls, and how good they are at getting money out of the clients. It’s funny. I kind of want to work on that a bit. I had a client last week, and he had all this cash on the table. I decided that I wasn’t leaving without all that money in my pocket. He originally booked me for half an hour, then extended it, and continued on in increments until I had all that money. I just worked it.

Is that a dichotomy? Am I contradicting myself? I want to help these guys emotionally, but at the same time, I kind of want to suck them dry? That kind of makes me feel like a bad person. I suppose suck them dry isn’t the whole truth. But it is a business, and I am in it to make money. I want to be good at my job, and I know that I’m good at the work that I do, but I want to be better at the business side of things. Another thing that I need to improve, is get better at promoting myself. I don’t like saying dirty things about myself. It’s not classy. I struggle with it. Ha ha.