I Love Being Negative

~written April 22~

I just had a ‘Heart Wrenching/Oh My Fucking God/What am I going to do?!?’ moment. Then I realised that I read the test wrong. Now I’m just recovering from a heart attack. I’m not pregnant!!! Woo-hoo! Ha ha ha ha. Fuck, my heart is still pounding and I’m still trying to regulate my breathing. I have been very cranky today and stressing over every little thing. I have also been eating everything in sight the last few weeks. Confession, there was an incident last month were a guy was a little careless with his spooge control, and some got on my (outer) area. I washed it off, but… those guys swim, so it’s always been in the back of my mind. Combine that with the fact that I downloaded this app on my iphone that keeps track of my cycle. I am currently 18 days late. This should not be a big deal. I am always  late. I don’t have a cycle, it just comes when it feels like it. It’s been that way since the beginning. But rather than waiting for my period, I just needed the peace of mind, so head over to the drug store and buy the friggen test. It was on sale. “Good luck” the cashier says to me. “Thanks,” I say. I take it home and into the bathroom I go. And this is so typically me. I read some of the instructions, but not all of them. I get the gist of it. I did, ironically enough, read the part where it says ‘Read all of the instructions prior to taking the test’ How hard can it be? Pee on the stick look for the stripe. Actually, it’s kinda hard if you’re nervous (so what if I’ve done this before.) I’m prepared, I’m peed in a jar and dipped the stick in the jar. There’s a square and a circle. The square starts going pink. Freaking out… ok, that just shows that it’s working… the pink starts creeping into the circle. The circle turns pink… I start hyperventilating… the pink fades, and turns to a stripe… I stumble out of the bathroom. I’m laughing, laughing at the irony. What do I do? I got a stripe, I’m pregnant! Do I call someone? I’m pregnant. It’s happened. My biggest fear has happened. What do I do? Do I call someone? I have to call my doctor. Wait. Calm down. Read the instructions. Be sure. Illustrations! There are illustrations to show the different possible results. Ok. Find mine. Blank square, stripe in circle. “Negative: No line in the result window and one lone in the control window is a negative result and you are not pregnant.” I like that last part the best. “You are not pregnant” I wanted to start laughing again, but I couldn’t breath. I’m on the bathroom floor, still gripping the counter. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I’m still hyperventilating. Fuck. That’s all I can think. Fuck. You know how that word has 79 meanings. This isn’t the ‘life as I know it is over’ “fuck” this is the ‘That bullet I just dodged was so close, I felt it graze me’ kinda fuck. I sit like that for about half a minute wondering if I’m going to start crying. I decide I’m not and feel the need to move on from this as quickly as possible. “Are you happy now?” I scold myself, “You feel better now that that’s out of your system? It’s a sunny day out, shall we go run in traffic now?” Seriously. Fuck.

I thought about it though. Walking up to the store to buy the test. I thought about what I would do. I wouldn’t have kept it. I want to have kids so bad, but I couldn’t have done it like this. This thing will become a person, who will grow up, who will become an angry teenager, and want to know who his or her father is. What would I say? Your mother was a whore? You’re not only a bastard, but the product of that…? I couldn’t have a client’s baby.