The Chastity Belt

     I no longer fantasies about sex. I mentioned this about a week ago, but it’s really weird. I’ve been having a lot of dreams about deep emotional connections lately. Like running into old hook ups and just the strong feeling of affection. Like, ‘Damn it’s good to see you!’. Some dreams have cuddling, some don’t. I dreamt that Ryan Gosling was in love with me. That was a pretty sweet dream... I even dreamt about my puppy that died a couple years ago. We had some good snuggles, him and I. I don’t think you need to be a psych major to figure this one out. I feel like I have the chastity belt of all chastity belts on. The reason for telling you this, is because I’m sure this is a direct result of my job. I am not receiving the emotional connection that I need. 

     I got some snuggles this weekend. It was very much what I needed as far as faux intimacy goes. I really trust the person I slept with, and I knew he wouldn’t try to pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do. Sex was on the table, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure we both wanted it just as bad, but I knew if I did engage, I would be full of regret the next day, and it would have just fucked everything up. So whenever things got too tempting for me, I would just move over to my side of the bed and have a little chat with myself about how it wasn’t worth it. It was really nice to be able to have just a little physical contact, opposed to a lot, without the guilt of being a tease. And if I was being a tease, it's pretty safe to say that that was a two way street. 

     I ran into an old fuck buddy last week, and we got our flirt on in a pretty serious way, and he wants to start hooking up again. I kind of eluded to how I’m ‘growing up’ and I can’t do casual sex any more. He said that I just need a good fucking, some hard raunchy rough, no strings attached, sex to get my head back in the game. I laughed at him and said, “If you only knew.” I told him I needed someone to love and respect me and call the next day. He did not pretend that would be him. He was cool about it, and we had some good chuckles. Maybe I will call him later on, maybe I won’t. I told him he’d have the best odds if he didn’t pester me about it. He knows me though and knows what I like. Not having to train him is a major bonus. He is very trainable though, full credit for that. 

    That last client I told you about really affected me. I’ve only taken one call since then. I haven’t worked since last Saturday. I needed to take time for myself. To re-charge. Get a new perspective. I have new photos done and ready to go and I’ve created a new persona, with a new name and everything. I’m ready to get back in the game. 

    In addition to that, I have an exit strategy. I’m going to apply for a job at a hotel bar that a few of my friends have worked at. They joke that the fact that I’ve had no experience bar tending is perfect! None of them started with any experience. Make up a story that I was over-seas teaching english for the first part of the year, then going to school for the second. With my new photo’s up, I will be able to only take internet calls and call-backs. I won’t have to take generals anymore, so it will cut down Alison’s work. I want to get the job bar tending just to get back in the game. Even if it’s just one shift a week, I want to get used to working again. I’m sure no one has any sympathy, but it’s going to be fucking hard. I haven’t worked an eight hour shift in a year. It’s going to be tiring, and stressful, and to give up my freedom. It’s going to suck! But I’m excited, I’m looking forward. And school is helping with the adjustment. I’m happy about this change. 

     I’ll be back at work by this weekend, I promise, and I’ll tell you all about the hard, raunchy, rough, no strings attached sex I’ll be having again.