Sexual Feelin

   Sex is weird. Really. It’s an enigma to me. The evolution to my own sexuality has been an incredible roller coaster. I was such a horny little kid, but so shy and awkward I didn’t go on my first date until I was almost 18. Then it was a race to experience as much of everything as I could. Sex to me was like getting to know people on a different level. I found it fascinating.

     2010 I made a pilgrimage to the biggest city this side of the country to celebrate Pride. It was a weird experience because at the time, I referred to my sexuality by saying “My slut was broken” I knew I was a slut, but after a really bad hook up, I’d decided I’d had enough. No more casual sex. 

    “You have to earn this shit!” I would say referring to my body. And the funny thing is this is normal. As is my new dating strategy (Posted December 29) This is how everyone else operates. Where was I when they were handing out this training manual.  

    My ‘slut was broken’ for about a year. Having said that, the sexual feminine energy at that Pride was a force to be reckoned with. One night after coming home to my hotel room, alone, I texted a friend, proposing we arrange a threesome when I got back. I used the excuse of it being a drunk text, but I totally knew what I was doing. She was not impressed. At all. In fact she was pissed. 

   “What on earth would make you think that I would be into something like that???” She asked me accusingly when I got home. 

    I was not only taken aback by the fact that I was wrong and she was not down with that, but also by the degree to which she was offended. 

    “I’m sorry... you just kind of have this energy about you. It’s like a sexual energy. I didn’t mean to offend. I was pretty drunk when I sent it anyway.” Ha. Lies.

    This was Ange, and later that week I was going to find out she was an escort. She didn’t like that I called her out on it. 

    I was having lunch with a class mate today, and she was telling me about her dating life. She refers to herself as the Virgin Bitch. She’s super hot, but refuses to give it up. Good for her. But, like I say, we were talking about men and relationships, and I’m not about to spill the beans on my past (or present) just yet, but to hedge the issue, I told her, “Well, I guess you could say I’m sexually liberal” 

    “Yeah, I get that off you.” 

    What! How??? Where??? Why? She’s not the first person to say that. What is it about me that you get that. I do not dress provocatively. Ever. Not even for work. I’ll dress professionally and with class, but I don’t own a skirt that goes above mid-thigh. I never flirted with this girl, or talked about anything personal with her prior to this. 

    I now understand what Ange was feeling when I suggested a threesome. What about me makes you think that? And how can I change it? I don’t want people thinking about me like that. I received a comment on my blog from a man who met me once, and called me out on it. I used to sleep with anyone. I heard a quote that went; A slut is not a person who has a lot of sex, a slut is a person who doesn’t respect the people they have sex with. By this definition, with the exception of Andrew (so mean, I’m sorry), I was never a slut. I always appreciated and respected the people I was sleeping with, and always felt I exchanged something intimate with them. I learned (perhaps too slowly) that that thinking of exchanged intimacy is quite naive. I can’t speak for the other people, but it is how I always operated. With complete sincerely. In the beginning, I also brought that mentality to work with me. Now... not so much. I care less. A lot less. 

    The funny thing is, now I really feel committed, in my heart, to my new dating strategy. There is no part of me that has any desire to have random hook ups. I went to a party on Saturday and I had my choice of two hot lesbians that I could have taken home, and I just wasn’t interested at all. I was turned off, in fact. I felt like, nothing that could have been gained there was anything I would be interested in past the next morning. I look at people differently now. With a lot less interest. 

     In yoga class, we have a new Yoga God, as I like to call him. He is so pretentious. Doing handstands when the rest of us are resting. But so beautiful. I found myself fantasising about him most of the class (what could I do? He was right in front of me... and downward dog...) Then I realised my fantasies aren’t even involving sex. Just a lot of erotic kissing and rubbing. What is happening to me?!?! Am I growing up? Is my job having this effect on me? I know I still like sex. For sure, but it now must have pre-requisites! Emotion must be involved now. This is so weird. So foreign.