I saw my aesthetician today. I wanted to book a facial. Not an uber relaxing one, just something to clear the pores out. This would never be something I would do on my previous income, but they feel clogged. I feel like I need it. Total bull shit. Ha ha. But my complexion has never been better, it’s just a little blotchy, so I thought I’d give it a little extra help. I wear a lot of make up. Some times I wonder if I wear too much, but I’m fairly certain Alex would tell me if I did. If not him, than one of my other highly opinionated, and much loved friends. I start with either a primer, then a tinted moisturiser, a spot check concealor, foundation, bronzer then blush. ~Gawd, it seems like so much when I list it all out like that~
Alex just called. I read him the passage I just wrote about him and he’s like, “Mmmm… yes… Gargoil." Like I say. Brutal honesty.
So I'm telling Claire, my aesthetician, what I would like and she books me with this other lady. "You mean you won't be doing it?" I ask with a sad face. I don't know this stranger! "I don't do facials," she tells me. "And don't let her up-sell you!" She looks me right in the eyes when she says that. She means it. "Wait, is this that chic you don't like???" The gossip goes both ways, alright? No big deal. "She's the only one here who does them. Then afterwards we will do your waxing." I settle.
As I write this I have a blow dryer blowing on my toes drying the polish. This afternoon my big toe got wedged under a door and cracked the nail half way back. Big ouch. The store clerk advised that I be careful. I thanked him profusely for his warning. I have since crazy glued it back together and am trying to hide it with nail polish. I'm thinking it may work. See in my old life I would have stopped at crazy glue, but now I have to maintain. Ugh. I'm so high maintenance now it's gross.
I never used to be like this. The first time I bought make up I was 18, didn't wear it regularly until I was 24. This is the first time wearing it to work. I usually shower mid afternoon, so that means I'm often applying it twice a day.
And hair removal...! What a fucking pain in the ass. literally. Shaving has become the bane of my existence. However, I pulled my bottle of Nair out from under the sink the other day. Thought I’d give it another go. I’ve been generally avoiding it due to its toxic smell. I did my thighs and treasure trail. I admit, I got a little concerned with the burning sensation in my thighs, but I held out until my time was up. Afterwards, my thighs felt sooo smooth with no ill effects. My treasure trail, not as lucky. Before applying the Nair, I tweezed out the big hairs, and I guess that left the pores open or something, cause I had six freckle sized scabs right below my belly button. Now what’s the sexiest thing you can think of on a prostitute – sorry, escort? You guessed it! Scabs!!! Polysporin became my best friend. That was on Thursday, and they’re all gone now :D
Alex just called. I read him the passage I just wrote about him and he’s like, “Mmmm… yes… Gargoil." Like I say. Brutal honesty.
So I'm telling Claire, my aesthetician, what I would like and she books me with this other lady. "You mean you won't be doing it?" I ask with a sad face. I don't know this stranger! "I don't do facials," she tells me. "And don't let her up-sell you!" She looks me right in the eyes when she says that. She means it. "Wait, is this that chic you don't like???" The gossip goes both ways, alright? No big deal. "She's the only one here who does them. Then afterwards we will do your waxing." I settle.
As I write this I have a blow dryer blowing on my toes drying the polish. This afternoon my big toe got wedged under a door and cracked the nail half way back. Big ouch. The store clerk advised that I be careful. I thanked him profusely for his warning. I have since crazy glued it back together and am trying to hide it with nail polish. I'm thinking it may work. See in my old life I would have stopped at crazy glue, but now I have to maintain. Ugh. I'm so high maintenance now it's gross.
I never used to be like this. The first time I bought make up I was 18, didn't wear it regularly until I was 24. This is the first time wearing it to work. I usually shower mid afternoon, so that means I'm often applying it twice a day.
And hair removal...! What a fucking pain in the ass. literally. Shaving has become the bane of my existence. However, I pulled my bottle of Nair out from under the sink the other day. Thought I’d give it another go. I’ve been generally avoiding it due to its toxic smell. I did my thighs and treasure trail. I admit, I got a little concerned with the burning sensation in my thighs, but I held out until my time was up. Afterwards, my thighs felt sooo smooth with no ill effects. My treasure trail, not as lucky. Before applying the Nair, I tweezed out the big hairs, and I guess that left the pores open or something, cause I had six freckle sized scabs right below my belly button. Now what’s the sexiest thing you can think of on a prostitute – sorry, escort? You guessed it! Scabs!!! Polysporin became my best friend. That was on Thursday, and they’re all gone now :D
As for waxing, it's really not as painful as they say. Don't get me wrong, it's no walk in the park, but I don't cry. That hard. Jk jk. The draw back about waxing is you have to let it grow out longer than a grain of rice before you can get it waxed again. I've been told that after a little while I'll only have to come in three or four times a year. I'm not there yet. Right now I'm at every three weeks or so. I feel embarrassed with clients for having unkempt naughty bits, but short term cost, long term gain right? Getting waxed professionally is a new thing for me. In my younger days my mom would do my face. Her technique left a lot to be desired. Right before she would rip the strip off, she would whack me in the back of the head. I think it's her 'I'll give you some thing to cry about' method.
I tried laser hair removal after college on my eyebrows and moustache. Err, I mean upper lip. Maybe it was the lady doing it, but THAT was painful! Picture holding an elastic band against your skin and pulling it back as far as it will stretch only to snap it against your skin. Now do that twelve times around your eyebrow and upper lip. Awful. When you do laser you have to shave in between sessions. It’s the root that the laser needs to get, but not the hair. There are special razors out there for your eye brows. They're hard to find but worth it. You can't have any hair in the spot where they are lasering. Well the last time I went she accidentally zapped an eyebrow hair. It was like I could see and feel the lightning bolts going through my skull, and then I could smell the smoke of both my hair and flesh. I yelled out and the woman laughed a little, "Oh, I made you cry!" I think it was a nervous laughter. Needless to say I have not been back since. If you try it, I'm not saying it will be your experience. I'm just saying it was mine. Because I was so afraid of the place I didn't go regularly like they advised so I didn't get the best results either.
I feel like I’ve tried it all and still don’t really like any of it. And it seems that rather than trending back to being natural, it’s getting worse. Men are hopping on this band wagon too. Not good!
As for the hair I'm keeping (that on my head) I coloured it the same day as the Nair. (yay multi-tasking?) I did it to hide the grays. Ugh that makes me feel old. My brother started getting grays when he was 22. I held on for a little while longer, so I suppose I should count myself lucky. I'll never forget the day when 12 year old little Realme and my BFF sitting in the backseat of my moms Buick and her informing us that "it's not just the hair on your head that goes gray, if you know what I mean." I wanted to die of embarrassment. Apparently she was struggling with getting old too. I do out of the box dye. Maybe next time I will get it done professionally, I just can't get past the fact that it's TEN times the cost. And you usually get a cut as well so it's a $250 hit by the end of the day. For some reason my hair doesn't hold the colour either, so it just doesn't seem worth it.
But that's not all! There also tanning to consider. I have ridiculously fair skin. 9 times out of 10 I win the whose palest contest. Between today and yesterday I spent 11 hours in a car driving to a friends wedding located in Narnia. I realised that I now have a drivers tan. ie one pink arm. I have never done any thing in the fake tanning spectrum, and frankly I find the whole thing intimidating. I've seen so many orange bodies and white arm pits, or the horizontal white moon under their ass cheeks. So weigh in folks! What say you? Tanning bed? Spray on? Lotions?
I hope this post doesn't make me sound as vain as I think it makes me sound. I just feel like the ugly duckling fooling people into thinking I'm pretty. It takes work!
Joke of the Post: I'm not a super judgemental person. I don't have the usual hang ups about bodies that a lot of people do. But. But yesterday I think I saw a tail. For real. I only got a quick glance at it as he turned and went to the washroom, but there was some thing there! My first thought was it was a really big hemroid, but quickly realised that made no sense. It was at the base of his spine and the size of two knuckles of my thumb. Was it George Costanza who had a tail? I don't know. According to wikipedia (which is irrefutable donchaknow) human embryos start with tails and as it turns into a fetus it is absorbed into the body and becomes the spine. However this isn't always 100% successful. I once read somewhere (then filed under useless info to be pulled out in times like this) that in this fine country of ours, in the event that a child is born with a 'soft tail' or any tail, they are OBLIGATED to remove it, with or without the parents consent. My client was from a different country. I don't know what their medical standards/policies are. I just know it was awesome! Yes!!! I wanted to ask him about it, but that could have been awkward.
This post was ridiculously too long. I apologise.
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