Further To My Past

I told you that I was going to see someone regarding what options I have for dealing with the incident of sexual abuse that occurred when I was a young child. 

I went to see her on tuesday, and she was really wonderful. I found her through the local sexual assault hotline, and as mentioned they were able to get me in quite quickly. She is not a therapist, or a lawyer, or a cop. Just someone who was able to explain the system to me. 

I had already decided for myself that I did not want to press charges. I felt that the punishment would be too severe. My discussion with her reaffirmed that. If I pressed charges, I would not be able to change my mind. I would not be able to drop the charges, as you see happening on tv all the time. Essentially it would be take out of my hands. I do not want this to happen. If I press charges, and if he is convicted, it would be a minimum of two years jail time. It would be very unlikely that there would be a conviction. 

I could also pursue civil litigation. This is what they did with OJ Simpson. When he was found not-guilty in criminal courts, they charged him in the civil courts. I would have to hire my own lawyer, it would be a very lengthy process, and there would be no criminal charges. The benefit of this would be a financial settlement.  Cam and I both decided it would be awesome if he paid for our therapy, but I found him on facebook. I doubt he would be able to afford it. 

I could go to the police and make a statement. If I do this, it would be up to the officer to decide what to do with the information I give him/her. As mentioned in this situation, the cop could decide to take it from me and press charges. I imagine if it was a violent rape, with evidence, perhaps that is what would happen. In my case, I doubt it. The cop could decide to just mention it on his file. 

Then there is mediation. This is the most appealing option to me. I just want to talk to him. Before I had the meeting with her, I didn't really want to talk to him, but now I do. I want his side of the story. I realised while talking to her, that I don't remember the second half of the incident. I don't remember how it ended. That makes me curious. Why did my subconscious remember the first have clear as day, and completely block out the second half? What else happened? Sincerely, I don't believe that it went any further than that, although I jokingly wonder if it is the source of my cumphobia... (ha ha?)         

There is no agency or social worker who would facilitate this mediation. I would have to do it myself, and everyone would have to be compliant. The idea of doing it without a mediator scares me. It is not something I want to do at all. When I was a teenager working alone at a fast food restaurant I was robbed one night. The for the  next few days I had an intense irrational fear of any man coming near me. That's kind of how I feel about this. I know it's irrational, but I do not want to see him if it is not a controlled environment, and I would not be the one in control. 

Alex mentioned to me that Marc may feel uncomfortable discussing anything if there is another dude sitting there, but I really don't care about his comfort level. Dealing with this hasn't exactly been comfortable. Alex's point is that it may be counter productive. I get it. Maybe my friend will sit at the bar. I don't know. I know I can't do it alone though. 

Right now my plan is to facebook him. Let him know that I want to talk to him, and let him know that I have been looking into the various ways to deal with this. I would tell him that sitting down with me is the best option for both of us. I would stress the 'both of us' part of it. I will put a timeline on when I expect a response. He needs to know that he cannot ignore me. If he thinks he can, then I will go to the police. The problem is, what if he doesn't check his facebook? I have no control over that. I could get in contact with his sister (her and I were childhood friends, and did a semester in high school together) But probably not without arising suspicion. I'm also planning on going home some time before Christmas, where Dad and I can sit down with his parents. 

For now though, I'm not doing anything. I'm just processing this. Cam and I had further conversations, and he said that he will support me in anything I need to do, and he will be there 100%, but he really doesn't want to make a big deal out of this. He does not want to confront anyone. I do not want him as an unwilling participant, and will no longer involve him. Same goes for my Mom. She seems to have enough on her plate right now with problems in her own life. I tried to talk to her about the meeting I had regarding the babysitter, and she said "What babysitter?"

"Marc Johnson"

"Who?"

"Mom, are you kidding me!?!" I tried not to yell. That's a fail. That's a serious fail on my moms part. She got upset and really defensive, so I reminded her, that when I was a young child she hired a babysitter who sexually molested me. She proceeded to give me advice for the next 15 minutes. 

I know my mom has depression, and as a result there are problems with memory loss, but this is something that I would have thought would rank. I'm not talking to her about it any more. 

As for you guys, sorry, but this is the last update you will get too. I wrote about it because I felt that may have had a part in creating Alison, and that is relevant, but beyond that, it's Realme who has to deal with it. Worry not, I know  I'll be ok. I have a good support network, and soon therapy! Ha ha. 

As a P.S. though, in the other post I wrote that if I am the way I am because of what happened, I wanted to punish him to the full extent. I felt very angry about it. Having given it more thought, I was working in a shit job not making rent. Now I'm in a job that I like more than any other job I've had, and I can afford to live, and live well. There have been ups and downs, but that's life, that's not limited to being an escort. This is the hand I've been dealt, and there's no sense dwelling on the who or the why.