My Future

     Mom and I had it out a few weeks ago. It kind of sucked a lot. I didn’t mean to pick a fight with her, but I had to tell her how I was upset about when she didn’t remember about the babysitter. Then all the things I’ve been hanging on to for the past little while all came pouring out. 

    Lately I’ve been looking at my future a lot, especially since I’ve decided I’m only in this for one more year, I need an exit strategy. Over the course of my life, I’ve wanted to do a lot of things. An EMT for example, and my mom said, “You realise you’ll be the first person on the scene every time? No matter what? You’ll be the one who has to deal with it.” Well, I don’t want to do that! I wanted to be a geologist, “What? And just sit in an office all the time?” I wanted to join the military, I wanted to be a massage therapist, a real estate agent, a cop, I wanted to do all sorts of things, but in making sure I made an educated decision, Mom always pointed out the negative. And she was often right. It was years before I realised that all jobs are going to have negative sides to them, that’s just reality. 

    So I was talking to Mom, and I start telling her how mad I am about this. How she’s talked me out of every ambition I’ve ever had. I told her that the next thing I come to her with, even if it’s the worst job she could think of, she isn’t to say a single negative thing about it. The conversation was really hard, and we both ended up crying. She felt like she’d failed me as a mother. I felt awful for making her feel that way. It wasn’t my intent, I just didn’t know how to tell her that I needed her to support my decisions. 

    Well, she heard me! She’s on this crazy bandwagon about me going back to school. I’ll be out for dinner, and I’ll receive a text from her saying “Pediatrics” No other context. and it’s like “Huh?” She brings it up every time we talk on the phone. 

    The thing is, I’m already enrolled! I’m taking Communications. I want to take journalism, but the school I want to go to doesn’t offer it. Basically, I’m just taking something to start. That’s the only thing I care about right now. Starting and not failing! One of my classes is a Woman’s Study class. I’m so excited about that one. Once I get through the first semester, I’ll get more focused and specific. 

    Mom doesn’t know about this. It’s my Christmas present to my family. “Merry Christmas. I’m doing something with my life and you don’t have to pay for it!” 

    I’m giving my Mom my acceptance letter, my Dad a copy of my student ID (cause he likes pictures) and my Grandma a copy of my schedule, so she knows where I am all the time! Ha ha. 

    So, as I said, Moms been hounding me all the time about this, and I’m either, “Yeah, yeah,...” change the subject. Or, “Well, I don’t know... what would I take... I’m too old to go back.” Totally waffling. The awesome part is, I know this is going to blow up in my face. I can just picture her yelling at me, “You tell me to encourage you...!!!” ha ha ha. I can never win. But it’s ok. There’s a lot of love in every loss! 

    The tricky part is, in one of the conversations we’ve had, she told me that she’s figured out how we will make it happen financially. That’s what my mom is good at. Making things happen. She made a four month trip to Europe materialize for me in two weeks, when our family has no money. My Mom is amazing. Her plan is to borrow against her inheritance (although Grandma is still living... with her), then loan me that money. So essentially I’ll be borrowing from my inheritance. The thing is, I don’t need to borrow money to go to school. I could easily do two semesters (rent and tuition) with the cash I have in my condo right now. Yes, I’d have to cut back, but still... 

    And I don’t even have to do that! Mr. Texas said he is going to put me through school!  He is going to give me the money for my first semester on Monday. Again, I’ll believe it when I see it. But, shit, if that happens... awesome! BTW, I don’t accept money with strings, sooo... But I think he’s pretty clear on that one. We have a good ‘relationship’. 

    Given all of this, the guilt I will feel taking money from my family... ugh. I don’t even want to think about it. I haven’t come up with a story as to where I’ll be getting the money after the first semester. This one is ‘paid for’ by the money I’m saving whilst house sitting. 

    So what do you think? Take the money? Make up lies? I don’t know.