2011 seemed to be the year of heart break. I can’t say for sure that my job specifically ended any friendship, but it seemed to taint the waters. Loose lips sink ships. Gossip spread, lies told, judgments made. Like I say, it wasn’t all about my job, but some of it, yes. I guess some friendships weren’t meant to be, and sometimes it takes a test for people to show their true colours.
Sometimes I feel used. Like as a conversation piece. When I lived overseas I would be approached by strangers on a bus and they would ask me if I would be their friend because white people were such an anomaly. During a house party a while back, I had a friend beg me to let her tell her friends because it was interesting. And there was this one guy at the party who was a douche about it. I had no issue standing up to him, but I certainly didn’t appreciate it. He has been the only person I’ve told who has taken issue with it, but I don’t believe that is true. Maybe he was the only person who had the balls to say anything. I don’t believe that all of my friends are as cool with it as they say. I don’t believe that there isn’t any judgment. I would judge me. Especially not knowing what it’s really like. Even if I did know what it’s really like I would judge. It can be gross. It’s not always awesome. I wonder how many of my friends think less of me when they actually imagine what I do.
I was talking to Alex about my fear of being outted at University. Going through the whole process of making new friends, and building my little web of lies. Part of me is just hoping I can get through the whole thing with out making any friends at all.
“You have real issues with trust, don’t you?” Alex asked me.
“Well it seems like every time I trust someone, I get burned,” The irony of his comment seemed to be lost on him.
It’s true though. I don’t end friendships when people out me to other friends, but each time I find out, my issue with trust tends to go a bit deeper.
Telling Mom I’m going back to school felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders. So many times I almost said, “Well when I go back to school...” Or something like that, but I’d stop myself in time remembering that it needed to be kept a secret from everyone until Christmas. When I told her, I thought, “I can finally stop lying to her.” Then I realised, “Nope, no I can’t.” It kills me lying to her. Responding to her prying questions with a “It’s good,” Then changing the subject. I never bring up work to her, never talk about my boss or co-workers, never go into detail about anything when she asks questions. I know she feels shut out, and it sucks.
Then there’s the romantic relationships. This fall, I feel like I finally got over the ex who truly broke my heart, the ex that never gets mentioned here. I finally got past it, but it was a long road. And then being told “You’re great, but I’m not comfortable with your job.” That has it’s on searing cut to it. I don’t know why, but so much I’d rather just be told that it was something specific, something personal. Like blaming my job is an easy out for them. I really believe it is. When I think of my heart these days, I can’t help but compare it to a peach that got forgotten in the back of the fridge.
I feel like my job has put a lock down on any relationship potential. I feel like nobody is going to date me as long as I have this job. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Lots of girls at the agency are dating. I just don’t want to risk it though. I know it’s pathetic, but right now, my heart just can’t take another hit like that.
I’ve come up with a new dating strategy though. Actually, it’s not new, it may be the original. Are you ready? Here it is:
Step 1: Meet someone.
Step 2: Get to know them.
Step 3: Decide whether or not you want to date them.
Step 4: Build a relationship.
Step 5: Sleep with them.
I know, I know! It sounds crazy. I usually do it in the reverse order, well... step 1, 5, 3, 2, 4 is how I tend to order things. Like I say, I’m going to try this new and revised plan, and see if it works, rather than just saying, “I’m off the market!” Cause the occasional person does want to date me! Occasionally. But I’ve been pretty closed off to the idea. So I don’t let them in.
I’m excited about 2012. I’m excited about having a life again. Not that I don’t have a life now, I actually keep quite busy, considering I don’t actually do much. But to start school, to have a routine again, I’m really looking forward to that. I’ll have new photos, they’ll be amazing. My goal is to work less, make more, focus on school and succeed. Hopefully that is not to ambitious. I’m really optimistic. I’m looking forward to being a step closer to not doing this job any more.
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