Clerical Errors

They say you're supposed to get tested every three months, if you're a sexually active person. Based on those standards I try to get tested every two. 

There are two things I want to touch on here before I get to the point of my blog.

1: When did it turn from an STD to an STI. Who comes up with this thing? Is it more politically correct? Is an infection nicer to say than a disease? Cause, back when AIDS was GRID, it was definitely a disease. Has it been demoted?

2. There are mixed reports about the HIV, most reports I've heard say that it will show up in tests after three months. My clinic says six. Every time I go they tell me, that I only need to get tested for AIDS every six months. I disagree with them. If I have sex in January, I'll get tested in June, according to them. Fine, but what about the sex I have in February or March? Should I not get tested in July or August?  I try to explain this to them, but it goes 'Woosh!!' Right over their head. Oh well. They can't refuse me, and when they ask me if I want this test or that test done, I just tell them I want to be thurough. SP!!! Another thing that is news to me. Anal swabs. Yup, they're about as awesome as they sound. I suppose the men can relate more to this than the ladies can with their prostates and what-not but jeeze! It makes sense though. 

Alright. My point. 

I got tested in March, and that was fun. I had everything done through my GP. She's the sweetest lady. She hugs me when she see's me. She calls me honey. I love her. She doesn't know I'm a whore. I think it would break her heart. So for round two in July, I figured go to the sexual health clinic. It's in a medical building, but it's an entire floor. So when you hit that 5 on the elevator, everyone knows where you're going. Awkward. 

There was so much judgment in the STI clinic it was hilarious (by the patients, not the staff) You know everyone was eyeing everyone else up. There were about 15-20 people there. An even split between men and women. All pretty much in my demographic; between 20-35, upper middle class, mostly just regular looking people. Clearly a few were there on their lunch break. 

When I got into see a doctor, I was a little nervous. I don't usually have issues with this sort of thing. But I definitely had a wall up. I don't know why, but I was afraid of telling them what I did for a living. I was worried I would be put on a 'list'. It's kinda silly. I'm already on 'a list' with city hall, what's the clinic going to do? Trust me, things are not that regulated that if I come up dirty, anything is going to happen. When they asked me how many sexual partners I've had, I answered with "Lots." Despite their glare I refused to give any more information than that. Without looking at the books, I couldn't even give you a ballpark figure. And really, after a certain point, you're just high risk. I'm past that point. 

What with my visit to see Boy-Wonder {I asked him what he wanted his fake name to be, and he gave me one, but I like Boy-Wonder better, you know, like Big... however, maybe he should be Man-Wonder... boy that sounds retarded... He isn't a boy though. That's for sure... and a nice change. Ok, name is a work in progress} Anyway, with my visit, I thought it was good timing, and scheduled timing to go get tested again. I went last thursday, and they told me I could pick up my results the day I leave. The timing was tight, but definatley do-able. I actually drove by the clinic the day of, so I just pulled over and called them. I figured, if they wanted me to come in for bad news, I might as well be there, but there was no sense paying for parking if I didn't need to. Oh Jennelle, such a nice receptionist. So confused. After asking questions, putting me on hold, asking more questions, more hold she decided that it was actually the family planning clinic that I went to. No. It wasn't, but she transferred me there, and I asked them to transfer me back. Once I made it clear to her that I was on the FIFTH floor, she continues to look. We were on the phone for half an hour, when finally I decided that I have to get ready for my flight, and started driving home. Of course this is when she gets back on the phone and asks me to come in so they can re-do the tests. Are you kidding me? Seriously, Are you kidding me!??!?!?! Ugh. I was banking on having a clean bill of health. I know I have a clean bill of health. I'm not worried at all. And frankly, aside from the HIV, and herps, everything can be cleared up with a pill if you're careful, and condoms aren't super protective of herps. (I am choosing to call it herps, not herpes, put's on a more casual level) Awful mentality to have regarding STD's... I'm sorry... STI's. I asked my Doctor about it, and she really hated my way of looking at it. She through in the Hep's, and agreed with me. Ha ha. 

Point of my story, angry angry point, is they don't have my results for me. They have my chart and someone's chart completely mixed up. They started to debate my birthday with me, and I had to tell them, I only have one! They refused to give me the results, and franlkly I didn't want them. They made me re-do all the tests. What a friggen kick in the pants. I wanted to show up with a clean bill of health. They did confirm, that that red bump was a nasty in-grown hair and not herp though, which is nice (I freak out about that every nasty in-grown hair. Its just a thing I do.) 

I am not going to have a clean bill of health for Boy-Wonder. This upsets me. I've been advised by more than one of my friends that I should just not mention anything about it. But he knows that I went. Not saying anything would be an omission, and team, an omision is just as bad as a lie. And folks, that's you're public service announcement for the day. It's going to be a bloody awkward conversation. So. Me being the problem solver that I am. I made the doctor write me a note. Not a 'Doctor's Note' exactly, just something saying I did my due-diligence, and it's  not my fault that I don't have the results. The doctor was very confused about that. 

And I will say, I have to say, the nurses and doctors were amazing about everything. They were literally running to get me in and out of the clinic so fast. Full credit to them. Ha ha ha.