Throw In The Towel

     I've been struggling lately. Has that been obvious? Somewhat? I try to have boundaries with my blog (those who know me probably laughed at that because I do so poorly with boundaries) but I try to keep my personal, unwhore related drama off my blog. My blog is about my job as an escort and how it affects my life. It just seems that everything is so interconnected. Maybe that's another nod to my issues with boundaries. I don't know. I quit going to therapy back in July. Perhaps that was a little pre-mature. Perhaps Alex was a better therapist, and cheaper.
     I don't know what to write, because he reads this, and it really isn't about him. But it was a reality check. Yes. My heart hurts. I know we didn't know each other well enough to be this upset about losing him. I never had him. That was made clear. I want to make it clear that I'm not delusional about what went on. Having said that, what went on was wonderful, and I saw potential, enough potential to at least give it a try. I was super nervous about going out to see him, and my dad told me to just take it for what it was, A romantic weekend away. I knew I wouldn't do well at that. Well, I did amazingly at it, it was the coming home part that fucks me up. My hearts broken for what could have been. For the reminder of what it was like to have love in your life, then have it taken away.
      I guess this is why I've been hanging out with Andrew lately. He knows everything. All cards are on the table. And he's not going to reject me. I won't give him that power. I don't care enough about him to allow it.
      I was over there the other night and he told me it was time to go.
    "No, I'm spending the night," I informed him. "And I want a sandwich."
     He looked at me like I was crazy then walked out of the room. I haven't had a sleep over with him since August and I remembered how completely retarded he is when it comes to cuddling. He'll drape his leg over your two legs like dead weight, and think he's doing good. I decided that maybe it was time to go. He came back into the room with melted bree on toast. I ate it, then left. He's getting weird though. He called me three times a couple days ago. Three! And then he offered me his old room mates bedroom, because he lives down town. I politely declined. There's no way I can live with him. It was sweet to offer though. Clearly I need to stop being a bitch to him, and start showing affection. That will make him run the other way. Works every time.
     Fuck I'm kicking my own ass tonight. I was out with Max tonight. He's my close friend who is subletting my place. He's trying pep me up, and give me some tips, and advice and whatever, and any criticism he gave me, I turned into something harsh. At one point he looked at me and asked if I was done. Apparently not. No one can beat you up like you can. He said that I wasn't the first person to be dumped because of their job. It happens to guys all the time. This is true. I'm guilty of it. I love being made to feel less special though. Theres comfort in knowing it happens to everyone. I just feel like I'm never going to find love while I have this job. It's so stupid. I get asked out on dates, and I figure what's the point. There is no point. And it sucks, because it's like Realme is getting more attention than I ever have in my life. Like I say, even the ladies are asking me out... well... lady. Singular. The other day though, someone stopped me in my car in the grocery store parking lot, made me roll down my window and told me I was beautiful. It was weird! I didn't know what to say. I think my response was, "Ok". I'm on Plenty of Fish, but I don't message any one back. It's nice to get the offers, but I've got this mentality of, "You wouldn't date me. Not if you knew."
       For the first time tonight I thought about throwing in the towel and just quitting. I'll be house sitting all winter, ie not paying rent. I can afford to try something new. Rebudget my life. They had a career fair yesterday, which I only found out about today, but my friend took notes. Let me tell you, there is a shit ton of money to be made in this little local industry of ours. Just the idea of working in an office again makes me feel like I'm selling my soul. And what sucks is I'm good at it. There's a position open in my old department as well. It would be a promotion from my last position, but I'm fairly confident I'd get it if I applied. I think it would pay 70% of what I'm making now. Not sure though. If I got a job from the career fair, I'd be set for life though. Start as Suzy Q Secretary, and move around from there, maybe HR, maybe sales, it'd be easy to make six figures. They'd help me with my education if I committed x amount of years to them. Made in the shade. The idea of going back into an office terrifies me though. I actually have anxiety about it. It's one of the main reasons I held off on going to school for so long in the first place. All the jobs I was being told to pursue involved sitting at a desk, and I'm just too ADD for that. But I don't even know what these jobs are, or what is involved with them. There's so much I don't know. Fuck.
     P.S. I am aware of how all over the map I am. I have made the decision that until I have my own place again and am able to get settled again, I get a complete Get Out of Jail Free card. I am a home body.
     P.P.S. It wouldn't be right to write a post like this all wallowing in self pity with out giving a shout out to my most wonderful friends (and all their fake names) who I love so dearly. You know who you are. We talk almost daily, and I feel so lucky to have you guys in my life, so incredibly lucky. {And the couple who make me the most delicious dinners from time to time, we don't talk daily, but you're included in this too... big love!}