Tired

I don't know how much longer I can do this job for. I find the level of intimacy that clients push for to be very taxing. The person that I am, and how I live with such an open heart, I feel like I can't refuse it, and I can't fake it. I fake the physical stuff a lot, but that whole gazing into each others eye's shit, it's... I feel like it's taking parts of me. 

I've been feeling very run down lately. Very exhausted. I didn't want to get out of bed at all today. I got home from a call last night at 3:30, slept until 9, then laid in bed until noon. The only reason I got out of bed was because a friend called in a favour, and I had to get up. All day long I've been dragging ass with pillow lust on the brain. It's halloween weekend, which means the phones are going to be ringing off the hook tonight. It's probably going to be a big money weekend, but I just feel so tired. 

I had a call tonight. It was a call back from a man I've seen over the summer. I've only seen him once before and I didn't remember him. This was the time when I was a little sloppy with my book keeping, so I had no reference of him. But when I got to his house, I remembered. I've blogged about this guy. He was the one who insisted on showing me his sleeping children. So incredibly inappropriate.  Last time, I left his place with an uneasy feeling, that I couldn't put my finger on. As I thought about it tonight I realised, that it comes from the years he spent over seas. It's the way he treats women. I got this from the way he treated me and the way he talked about his ex girlfriends and wives. He treated me very well, I won't dispute that. It's like the way a man treats a corvette, he may love it and take very good care of it, but it's still a corvette. It's still property. Status. 

But look how spoiled I am! I've got it so fucking good with my job, I don't even know. I'm complaining that this guy takes care of me. I walk in, and he offers me a beverage. He gives me a massage, then he gets me off (or he thinks he does), then we have sex, then another massage, then we talk. The truth is, I can't stand this guy. I find him pretentious and arrogant, and egotistical, and those are all my least favourite character traits. I also have to pretend to be so intimate with him. It's hard to do. 

Last night's call, which also left me exhausted, was just serious fucking. The sex was good, but it was so physically demanding. I was just tired afterwards. I feel tired all the time. I'm walking around with this feeling in my chest, like this heavy weight in my chest. This ball of negative energy. I've been feeling ok emotionally, not super awesome, but good, generally happy and cheerful, but I've been carrying around this pit of just sour energy. 

I've made an appointment to see a specialist about my Chakras. I know there's a lot of people out there who think that that whole thing is a load of crap, but I completely disagree. I don't know about aligning them or how it works at all, but I believe that people have enregy that they carry around. I believe that negative energy breeds negative energy, and positive energy breeds positive energy. I believe that there are people who are experts in this field, so I'm going to see one tomorrow. I hope she can help me with this pit in my chest. I've had friends go see her and they've raved about her. Alex suggested that I have some of my Chakra windows closed. I do work so intimately with people. It's undeniable, that during sex, regardless of the circumstances, energy is exchanged. I often feel like I take on their energy. I hope that she will be able to do something that will help with that. 

I'm really looking forward to moving into my new place on monday. When I decided to leave my ex-boyfriend instead of marrying him, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever been in in my life, so I went to see a therapist about it. After him and I split up, I moved around a lot trying to find a place to live. One of the things that the therapist said to me, was that that had a lot to do with my state of mind. As she put it, my apple basket had been tipped over. This was an expression I have taken with me. Of course my world was a little in chaos. I feel like I don't have somewhere to put my soul right now. I'm just hanging on until Monday, where I know I can relax for a little while. Where I'm going does have a very positve energy. I'm really looking forward to being there and being able to breathe again. 

I've been sleeping at this house, but I've essentially been living in my car for the last two weeks. I leave in the morning, and I spend all day in my car. I drive from place to place, doing things, looking for somewhere to eat, or parked somewhere reading a book, or playing on my ipad. I'm really looking forward to not living in the suburbs any more. It's just too far, and too much gas, and too much time on the road. So Monday. Monday things will be better.